i'm a mess inside

I could sit here and write that I harnessed Shyloh up and hooked up the sled with a 50 pound bag of bedding pellets, took Shy for a line drive around the property and Shy did pretty good. I could sit here and write that Shy seemed a little jumpy but worked through it, she listened extremely well, and we had no attempted take offs. I could sit here and write that Shy gave me a decent line drive and we ended on a great note. And all of that would be true. It is what we did today. And it is what I would normally write about because I do my best to stay positive. 

But I really can't get over the fact that we have not moved forward in our training, but backwards. We started out the show season with such greatness. We were driving in the cart classes and doing so well for us. Even after the run away cart incident, Shy was able to bounce back quickly and we were able to hook and drive her the following weekend. 

Still a goof

But after this last attempted run away with Beth, Shy seems so nervous and tense and jumpy. I can visibly see her clench her muscles and twitch from whatever she thinks is coming. You can just feel the tension in the air. I spent a long time after her harness was on just talking to her, hoping to ease her mind a bit. Then I spent the whole line drive talking to her. But Shy still had her moments. She does this "spook", which I call the Fred Flintstone. . . her legs move so quick, but she doesn't go anywhere. And she doesn't spook at the traffic, semi trucks, cars, or motorcycles speeding down the road. She spooks at un-normal things, like she thinks I sound mad behind her or she thinks she did something wrong. Those are the things that just send her falling apart and into hyper-tense mode. I feel we have just fallen so far backwards. 

I know she CAN do it. . .

Then I start to question myself. The what ifs (that never do any good anyway). . .

What if Shy doesn't have whatever it is that is needed to be a driving pony?

What if all of these incidences are her way of telling me she doesn't want to do this?

What if she will always be unreliable and too scared to drive?

What if she can't be be "fixed"?

What if. . . ?

But why does she get herself so worked up?

So, after a long drawn out discussion with myself about my feelings (something I tend to ignore most of the time), I came to the conclusion that I am sad, frustrated, discouraged, and a wee bit depressed about this. Compounding on the really crappy time that Shy decided to unravel is a bunch of other personal stuff going on, which makes it that much worse. My favorite get away and coping skill is getting me down and sending me spinning into a frenzy. Why Shy? I can almost see why people choose crack, almost. I have tried crying, but I just can't do it. I think it might make me feel better, kind of a release, but the tears don't come. I am just really at a loss with what I should do. There are many options: send her to training (where? none in the area, plus money is an issue right now), sell her (um, no), have her be an expensive pasture pet (I'd rather not), find another discipline (perhaps), or keep on keeping on. I don't know. I am not looking for answers, just trying to get my thoughts out and document where I am right now in this journey. But, I guess it's not an adventure if it doesn't have some rough spots, right? I am certain that we will get through it, but right now I just feel that I am in a whirlwind of emotion. Ugh.